Friday, December 21, 2012

My Room From the Eyes of a Spider

Okay, so ya'll might have noticed that my room isn't the cleanest place in the world. In fact, you can't  exactly always walk through it without stepping on clothes and books, and sometimes it's kinda sorta maybe sometimes hard to see the top of my desk... but you know what? I was just thinking about it, and realized how exciting it must be for... the smaller creatures in my house. The ones that are even shorter than I am! Here's life as I imagine it from the perspective of a spider:

I watched as Mom peeked around the corner of our side of the room. We, the Spiderlings, lived on the human Natalie's side of the room. We have our webs in the corner untouched, and can play in the spacious carpet while she's sleeping. And when she's at English. But, danger lurks around the corner, in the human Hannah's side of the room. However, rather than keep us naive about the hazardous place we live in, Mom decided she would show each of the Spiderling spidren (that's the spider word for young spiders, in case you didn't know) the appropriate tactics to live in such close quarters with something so... unpredictable.

Today was Tuesday, and Tuesdays are the days that are most hazardous to a spider. The human Hannah is always in a rush. Mom and I took a perch on top of the giant bunk bed to watch as the human Hannah prepared for her day.

It was 8:15 as Hannah burst through the bedroom door, hair wet, in a rather stressed frame of mind. I watched aghast as she yanked a shirt out of the  dresser drawer, bounded around the corner to try it on, heaved a tremendous sigh, and tossed it to the ground. Frantically, she dug through her drawers, this time finding a sweatshirt, and repeated the entire procedure.
"This is the formation of what will soon be Mount Clothington." Mom whispered gravely in my ear. "Soon it will be an enormous mountain of all her clothes. Never, never, NEVER get caught by that dresser drawer on Tuesdays. Andrew, your brother, was caught underneath her navy aeropostle shirt, and was traumatically suffocated." She wiped a tear from one of her eight brimming eyes.

"Momma, don't cry! You had a beautiful funeral for him in the window sill, and it was eight years ago. You've had 5, 232 spidren that have lived marvelous lives." I hated it when Mom cried! Whenever she cried, it was like having eight spickets turned on, and all pouring on you. And I HATE showers.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Hannah shrieked dramatically. I covered my ears. "Look at the time! I haven't even touched my hair! Oh why oh why didn't my alarm clock work this morning! It's unpredictable, just like my hair. I'll french braid it, that's what I'll do. Oh, but where is a pony tail holder. WHERE IS A PONYTIL HOLDER! How in the WORLD am I supposed to french braid without I pony tail holder. This is ridiculous. Maybe there's one in the bathroom!"  She dashed fromt the room.

"Look how she runs so carelessly around! Like a beetle with it's head chopped off. I almost got stepped on during her wild pony-tail  holder rampages. A near death experience. I was terrified. If you ever get in a situation like I did, run as far into a corner as possible. If she sees you, you're toast. She'll get out her old, ripped tennis shoes, and, " she shuddered and didn't finish. But I knew what she meant. It seems that the human goal in life was to kill us Spiderlings! It was a humiliating, downright painful death to be squashed to the bottom of a shoe. Not that I had experienced it myself.

Hannah came in again, this time frantically searching for... something.
"WHERE did I put my note for Mary Frances??? Does it have legs?" Notebooks, makeup, and hair accessories were falling like rain everywhere.
"See what I mean?" Mom whispered. "You MUST listen to me. If you come to Hannah's room on Tuesdays, it could mean death by flying make-up, suffocation, or squishing. Stay on Natalie's side. The only thing that makes it onto her floor are her blankets when she pulls them of her bed to make it. Its much, much safer."
"Yes, Mom," I said, and I MEANT it. I won't go on Tuesdays. But I DO think Mount Clothington would be fun to climb when Hannah's sleeping. THAT would be an adventure!

Oh dear... I feel sorry for the spiders and I'm the one who made this up! Maybe this will be motivation to keep my room clean??? 


  1. You are so funny!!! I don't even like spiders, but this made me laugh:)

  2. Hannah Peterman I love this. YOU MAKE ME LAUGH!! :):) Very creative and-RANDOM. Like you, my dear.

  3. This made me laugh out loud! Very clever and hilarious. You could illustrate it and make it into a children's book!